This post is all about why it's hard to make friends in your twenties, and how to meet new people.
Less people are living a ‘public life’ than before. We live in a world where you don’t pick up the phone if it’s an unknown caller, a doorbell ring sends you into a panic (also anxiety, definitely anxiety), and striking up a simple conversation with a stranger seems weird. People aren't as engaged in life as they once were. We don’t have to leave our house for anything necessary to live - everything can come to us.
As kids we took for granted the number of situations that were set up for us to meet people and form friendships. Classes in school, or sports teams made it simple to make and maintain new friendships. But as you get older it seems there are fewer and fewer opportunities, and you need to seek them out yourself.
Don’t fret! This post will tell you why it's hard to make friends in your twenties, and how to fix it.
| Table of Contents: |
|---|
| Why it's hard to make friends |
| How to meet new people |
| Wrapping up |
Why it’s hard to make friends
1. Your routine has changed
Graduating is the first time that you’ll have literally unlimited options. This freedom can be really overwhelming, and gives the sense that you’re floating without a sense of direction or anchor tethering you to what you remember as normal.
You’re transitioning from the predictable routine of prescribed semesters, exams, and summer vacation that you’ve had for over a decade. The sudden lack of routine can make it hard to feel grounded and like you don’t know where to begin. Developing a new schedule and plan on your own can be hard, and it’s perfectly normal to feel confused.
2. People have moved away
College brings people from all over the country and world together to the same place. At the time it is great and a super unique experience, but eventually everyone heads back to where they came from.
Once you're back home the friendships you made in school are harder to maintain at a distance. It's not as simple as sharing a house on campus, and need a conscious effort to stay connected.
3. You have new interests
Once you’ve graduated and moved home, you may reach out to old childhood friends only to find out you don’t have as much in common as you once did. It’s normal to have your interests change as time passes. Friendships from high school were a product of your location and limited options, and it's natural that you grow apart. You aren’t the same person you were 4 years ago!
4. Social Anxiety
It’s no secret that meeting new people and entering into social situations can be stressful. This study reports the highest prevalence of social anxiety in young adults between 18-24 years of age. It also happens to conveniently be the age that we’re supposed to get out there and meet people and form ‘lifelong friendships’.
The go-to in uncomfortable situations is to look at your phone, which makes you unapproachable and also unable to interact with anyone else. And we wonder why we don’t meet people!
5. Fear of rejection
As much as we like to be optimistic about what’s out there and believe in the potential to form new friendships, you’ve probably been burned in the past. You need to be vulnerable to put yourself out there and it opens you to the potential of getting hurt.
Perhaps as a kid you got excluded, or you're concerned people don't like you. Everyone wants to feel accepted and that they belong, but are terrified of getting rejected. It’s easy to think of the negatives and let that outweigh the positives. You have to make a conscious effort to think “yes I’m nervous, but I’m choosing to get out of my comfort zone”.
6. Balancing work and social life
The ease of owning your schedule while in school is flipped upside down when you give up 8-9 hours a day at a job that exhausts you. The last thing you want to do when you get home from work is go back out and socialize with a bunch of people you don’t know.
It takes a lot of effort to force yourself out of your routine to do something different in the evenings. Balance your work and social life is hard, and you’ve got to put the work in to stay connected.
7. You're in different stages of life
In your late twenties you might find you and your friends drifting apart. You move through life at your own pace and may find your friends in different stages than you. Some people get married and have kids while others are living their best single life (and have a little more free time!). Both are awesome, but it’s natural for dynamics to change as everyones priorities shift.
It's hard not to feel like you're losing people when this happens. We seek friends we have things in common with, and going through the same struggles - aka if you're the only single person in your friend group, you probably want to have another friend to commiserate with over bad dates.
8. It may not work out at first
Everything is trial and error, and friendships are no exception. It's easy to get discouraged if you meet someone new and your plans to get together fall through when they rain check (or bail all together).
It's hard not to feel hurt, but the reality is it's not personal. We take things to heart because we feel vulnerable putting ourselves out there and showing interest (same as dating!!). You've just got to dust yourself off and get back out there.
9. You're in a romantic relationship
The truth is it's hard enough to make time for more than work, sleep, and exercise. If you also have a significant other, you aren't left with much free time. It's easy to stick with the usual routine. Who wants to put in the energy to meet new people when you have someone you love to spend time with already?
It's easy to drift away from friends as you begin to bail on your ladies wine night in favour of spending time with your S/O. The worst situation to find yourself in is to only realize you didn't cultivate friendships while you were in a relationship once you're single. Breakups are hard enough without friends to lean on.
How to meet new people and make friends as an adult
1. Volunteer
If you’re passionate about a cause and have some free time, sign up to volunteer! It could be a food bank, library, hospital, shelter, school - just to name a few! It’s a great way to try something new outside of your usual routine, and you’ll meet people with similar interests as you!
Even if you don't have a lot of time to volunteer, try it once in a while! It will force you out of comfort zone and get you interacting with people you don't know.
2. Pick up a new hobby
Hobbies are one of the best hacks to meet people that you’ll get along with. Lots of people struggle with finding other they have things in common with, and by bonding over a common interest it’s a guaranteed match! Plus, by meeting up to do something together it makes it a lot easier to see each other regularly and stay in touch.
Your hobby could be active like cycling or running. If you’re into working with your hands you could try out a pottery class, or painting. If you’re an avid reader you can even join a book club in your area (or start one!).
There are so many options out there to find what you’re passionate about so don’t stress if you’re not sure right now! It’s all about exploring what's out there.
3. Work
This really depends on if you’re someone that likes to keep your work and personal life super separate, and if there are other young people at your workplace (shoutout to all the new grad + middle age work bffs out there).
Work can be a great place to meet people you automatically have at least one thing in common with - same as having a friend in the same lecture as you. Since you can see each other regularly at work it makes it easier to stay in touch. Ask someone to grab lunch together or grab a drink after work!
4. Join a recreational team
Were you involved in sports growing up? There’s no reason to let that go once you’ve graduated. There are tons of intramural teams and recreational leagues to join where you can meet people with similar interests. Bonus: get your workout in at the same time!
If you're not into team sports but enjoy being active, look into groups in your area that do that activity together! Things like running groups are super common, and it’s a casual way to meet people (and not go with them again if it’s not a personality match).
5. Bumble BFF
We turn to dating apps to find a partner, so why not to find a friend? It might feel weird at first, but it’s a super casual way to meet up with someone and grab a coffee. Just like the dating platform, you can write a little about yourself, select what you’re looking for (workout buddy, night out, etc.) and pick the radius you’re looking in.
It can feel weird at first, but the only people that see you on the app are also on the app. There's no shame in trying it out!
6. Use your pet to make friends
Calling all dog owners! Guess what? You have the best ice breaker ever. Instead of taking your furry friend on a walk, take them to a nearby dog park! It's the easiest place to strike up a conversation and get to know someone. Basic questions about the age and breed of a dog (and obviously how cute it is) are a good way to test the waters and get someones vibe.
The great thing about meeting people at the dog park is that they're probably regulars. Everyone needs to take their dog out, so you'll get to know someone over time and hopefully make friends!
7. Set something up yourself
Don't forget you can create your own events! If you have a group of people you're acquaintances with and would love to know better, create something like Bachelor Tuesdays. A watch party is a great way to bring people together, and gives you something to talk about too!
If you want to spice it up, you can even set up a fantasy league for who you think will end up with the bachelor/bachelorette. Every week, depending on what contestants do during the episode, your fantasy picks can earn you points (things like: every time someone kisses in a hot tub lol). The player who earns the most points at the end wins!
Something like this makes it easy to stay in touch since it's on every week!
Wrapping it up
Your twenties are hard and sometimes it feels like everyone has their life together but you - spoiler alert: they don't. Constantly bombarded by social media and looking at everyones highlight reel, it's no wonder our generation struggles with social anxiety and depression.
The good news is that it turns out we all happen to have the same struggles when it comes to wanting to make friends (some just hide it better), and all crave connection. What it really comes down to is stepping outside of your comfort zone, and trial and error.
Making friends takes time, so be patient with yourself!
This post is all about why it's hard to make friends in your twenties.
Where have you made friends as an adult? Comment below!
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